On Getting Along in Your Marriage

This past week in my pastoral ministry I've been reminded of how important it is to learn how to get along with each other in marriage. Marriage is not a life-long honeymoon, as much as we might wish it were. The thing about marriage is that "it's so daily!" Marriage is a partnership, it's mutual,  and it takes two people to make it work - everyday. It can't be one-sided. That's a farce. That's not relationship. Marriage has to be about each other.

I've been pained this week by the personal stories I've heard shared or phone calls I've received of "couples in marital" trouble - either going through divorce or contemplating such. I wish I could fix all these couple's marriages, but I can't. What I can do is offer some simple advice - as a starter. Maybe you know of someone, as I do, who needs to hear this message. Pass it on if you do!

Stress and trials in daily life can cause fights in marriage. Husband and wife may argue about money, bills, the condition of the house, or the children, or whatever.  A husband might be angry with his wife for neglecting what she is supposed to do, while a wife might be angry with her husband for his hostility or mistreatment.  All this can be avoided, or lessened, if we use the most important technique in marriage.  It is so simple, yet so difficult!

It is all about using social manners. It is common courtesy to show emotional restraint in public.  We must avoid creating a "scene" when we are upset. We hold back our frustration and anger for the good of those around us.
  
We must learn, on a daily basis, no matter how often we are tempted to act otherwise, that we must act with grace in private, just as we would in public.

For those who tend to let their anger erupt and blow off steam to those around them, they must learn, by constant practice, to get control of their emotions. It is extremely selfish to rant and rave and insult and blame when we are upset. We cannot allow ourselves to get so angry that we lose our dignity. We must learn good manners.

Getting along in marriage, requires the skill of polite communication, no matter the circumstances around us.   For a husband and wife to 'fight fair' they should remember a few things:

1. They will have differences of opinions and will annoy each other. Expect this. We are all human and have flaws. Have enough compassion to let these things go.

2. Avoid fighting in front of guests or your children. To fight in front of others is one of the most selfish things we can do. It shows a lack of restraint. It shows a lack of dignity.

3. Never bring up past hurts. It will only prolong a fight and make it more extreme.

4. Remember that it is normal to be upset with others, even those we love, but we should never allow our scathing words to rend the heart. To make it plain  - watch your mouth! . . . Guard your words!

5. Never, ever, ever talk about your spouse in a negative way to others.  Guard the privacy of your home. This is an essential part of good manners.

An example of good manners in marriage reminds me of The Waltons. Remember that TV show? The storekeeper's wife referred to her husband as "Mr. Godsey."  She only called him by his first name during private moments.  

When all of us, husbands and wives, learn how to use proper communication and emotional restraint in our daily lives, our good manners are observed by our children and others. They will learn from this. This will affect them for good and not evil.  Sadly, in this current "me-centered" society, it will take tremendous effort to practice proper manners in daily life. It will be an ongoing battle with our words and thoughts.  But it is worth every bit of effort! 

And we will use good manners even when no one else does. We will do this even if there is no reward. We will do this because it is the right thing to do.

The joy of a happy marriage is based, in part, on good morals, virtue and loveliness. This is all clearly seen by our behavior. And it brings a light of beauty into a cold, sad world. For your marriage's sake, do it!